Two Girlfriends, One Bed

My housemate asked me last night weather it bothers one girlfriend to be in the same bed that another girlfriend was in the night before.  Her interest was both on the energetic level and the bodily fluids level.

This caused a few things to come up in my response. First off, yes, I change the sheets more often now that I am polyamorous (another cause of personal growth).  And, to answer this fully, I would have to ask my girlfriends.  Jeni, Ella, Rachel, any comments here?

I was, however, able to speak to some of the energetic dynamics.  First off, there is the issue of possession.  Often when we share intimate space with another we want to hold onto that person or situation in an ownership type of way.  This makes perfect sense as intimacy equals vulnerability (to some extent) so it is quite rational to want to keep track and/or "own" the situation where you are vulnerable.  On top of that, we have been socially programmed to accept some amount of ownership over our lover as part of our culture.  This does not work in Polyamorous relationships. 

In poly relationships, the most conducive to health and happiness is to cultivate appreciation and enjoyment for another with the least amount of perceived possession over that person. 

There is also the element of energetic exchange which is integral to emotional intimacy.  When I let down all my barriers to someone, I am open to picking up their joys and their tensions.  I believe in what I call Emotionally Transmitted Disease (ETD's).  If one of my lovers is depressed, or going through a tough time, I am going to be affected by it, and so then will be my other lovers.  There are no condoms for ETD's!

What actually happens (in my experience) is something quite healthy.  Let's say Jeni is stressed about something.  Her and I share intimate space and I pick up some of that stress. I leave, carrying it with me, but I have less of it than Jeni has.  Then I go see Ella, and it is a totally different dynamic.  If there are any stresses, they are not the same as what Jeni was holding.  It is now two against one half; all my stress processing and Ella's stress processing against part of a stress that was generated somewhere else.  Jeni's tension that I hold is completely unable to survive in the loving space that Ella and I share because it's root cause is nowhere to be seen.  My time with Ella is thus very healing for me.  The vulnerable place in me where I picked up some of Jeni's stress is now healed.  I now contain a sort of "vaccine" for that emotional malady. The next time I see Jeni, weather or not she still carries some of that tension, I am more grounded and relaxed in that area.  She can be completely vulnerable with me and I have the groundedness to hold the space for her healing. 

So, again,  I cannot speak for my girlfriends.  But I know what is possible, and my experience is that when my lovers spend time with their other lovers, most of the time they come back carrying a grounded feeling of newness.  And if they carry some stress, it is usually stuff that is easier for us to process.

Who Has Priority

Recently one of my girlfriends asked me who has priority.  This was kind of a difficult question because I don't feel like my relationships are necesarily competing nor do they require prioritizing.  Taking care of one should not hinder taking care of another. 

A lot of people say "Bro's before Hoe's", indicating that you should put your friends before your lovers.  Other peole always consider thier partner before thier friend group.  Neither of these approaches fit for me.  I need to honor every relationship for the place it takes in my life.  I seek not balance but synergy (is it obvious I'm a business consultant?).

I believe in loving the people in my life.  I believe in loving the moments in my life.  Which is more important, keeping my house clean or doing a good job at work?  It is easy to sacrifice one for another.  If one is disfunctional it will have an effect on the other.  But if I keep my house clean, I am have more energy and a clearer head when I arrive at work.  When I do a good job at work I have the satisfied inspiration to take care of my home too.  My lovers are not jobs nor chores.  But like the example, it is possible for one to take from the other, or negatively effect the other, but when things are working well, honoring one helps me honor the other. 

What is Polyamory?

As defined by Wikipedia: "Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved."

You can check the full article at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory
 
My take on Polyamory is that it is about opening your heart to more than one person.  I'm talking about falling madly, ridiculously, head over heels in love with many people.  I like to spend time with people I love,  I like to give hugs and kisses and yes, this also includes sex.  But it is not only sex*. 

For example, I am in a polyamorous relationship with my housemates.  I would argue that sharing a home with someone is, in many ways, more intimate than sleeping with someone from time to time.  Why not love them?  You get to choose who you live with.  Why not choose people you can fall in love with?  Why not start and finish every day surrounded by people you love?

So are you going to get Married?  The short answer, no (at least not yet). When I talk about love, I am talking about emotional vulnerability and connection with another human being.  I am not talking about making life long commitments.  It's true that I want to have the people I love part of my life for as long as I live, but making plans about that is not what I am going for when I talk about falling in love.

You might say that polyamory is very Buddhist; it requires that you live in the moment.  I don't think Buddhism has a corner on the market of being present, but that's where a lot of people know about the concept.  

Are there limits? Yes.  Increased emotional vulnerability requires increased grounding and increased skill (otherwise you get hurt, ouch!).  I have heard the heart likened to the emperor of the body.  It governs all but is vulnerable.  You do not let just anybody in to see the emperor!  I like to protect my heart and take care of it, but I do not want to imprison it. 

I also have had the experience of what I call emotionally transmitted diseases (ETD's).  When I open my heart to someone I am vulnerable to picking up some of their hang-ups and tensions.  If I am aware of this, the process can be an excellent growth opportunity.  I can be concious of what is going on in me and the ETD which is not naturally occuring in my emotional body is a lot easier for me to process and conquer.  It's like a vaccine.  I can also then bring this energy to my lover and help them to process the hang-up, insecurity etc.  If I am not conscious about this process however, I can pick up a lot of different tensions and insecurities which would have the net effect of destabilizing and weakening my emotional body.  


*It is important to distinguish this from what I call Polyfuckary (PF): having sex with many people.  I don't wish to make judgements about PF, but it's not what I'm into.  

May you benefit from my failures

A little less than a year ago I decided to try out being Polyamorous.  It seemed that if it was appropriate for anyone it was appropriate for me.  It has been a really, really, ridiculously good journey.  I have had fun but I have also made a lot of mistakes.  Fortunately I like to think that I have learned from them.  So I am offering up here my stories and my musings so that others might benefit from my failures.  Enjoy!