I believe the joy of sex to be self-evident. It also has a profound effect on individual and community development. Historically sex has been thought of as antithetical to personal development in a desire vs. growth dichotomy. Fortunately sex is no longer considered antithetical to individual development. Sex still does not have a clearly understood place in community development. In this space I would offer a few words on how ethical non-monogamy can be an effective tool for personal as well as community growth and development.
Sex can be an excellent way to connect with another person if it is done in the correct way. To engage in ethical sexual intercourse requires clear communication as well as emotional de-armoring and presence. In other words, ethical sexual intercourse requires that all parties be mentally, emotionally, and physically present & grounded. Understanding these preconditions, the desire for sexual union can be a wonderful motivator to learn how to be fully present and communicate clearly, to open up and allow a loving connection to occur.
Sex is not, however, a good foundation for any relationship. Sex is a connector not a building block. This can become quickly problematic in relationships defined by their monogamy. Because relationships and institutions tend to be founded upon what they are defined by, it follows that to define a relationship by sexual exclusivity will have the inherent effect of making, beautiful yet fluctuating, sexual desire a threat to the very foundation of the relationship.*
The best foundation for any relationship is love and understanding. Sexual intimacy can nurture that loving connection, but it is not that loving connection in itself. Before sexual intimacy can comfortably/ethically occur, a significant amount of emotional connection and grounding must be present. Sex can be a wonderful motivation to establish emotional connection and grounding but sexual intercourse is not a grounding force in itself. Indeed, if an individual is not emotionally grounded, a sexual connection with another individual can further destabilize/create emotional scarring.
M. Scott Peck defines love as “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another spiritual (personal) growth”.** Relationships based on love cause individuals to become bigger better people. If we consider loving connection to be a precondition for ethical sexual intercourse, then ethical non-monogamy by definition creates and coalesces community. Ethical non-monogamy means multiple loving connections and loving connections are what make a community.
*This is not to assert that all monogamous relationships are based on sex but that all monogamous relationships are defined by monogamy which makes them more vulnerable to the natural ebb and flow of human sexual desire. By withholding the exclusivity definition, Ethical non-monogamous relationships leave more room for the development of an organic relational dynamic and definition. It is also possible, that a non-monogamus relationship be founded upon sex but, in my experience, these relationships tend to be fairly uninteresting and short lived. In my experience, ethical non-monogamous relationships tend to be built upon the mental, emotional, and physical presence cultivated to facilitate the sexual engagement.
**Peck, M. Scott. The Road Less Traveled. 1978. Pg. 81.
