On of the first things people ask me when I tell them about poly is "Do your girlfriends have other boyfriends? And how does that make you feel?"
The first one is easy: Yes, every poly lover of mine has had other lovers. How do I feel about it? That takes a few more words.
First off, this has changed a lot over the course of my time experimenting with poly relationships. At first, every mention of other lovers was really difficult for me. It brought up insecurity, self doubt etc. Lately it has become easier. My sense of self worth has probably become less dependant on my lovers.
It's always easier if I know and like the guy. Even early on, when it was a buddy of mine, I had almost no problem with openness. Nowadays it is heart warming and even hot to think of my lover spending time with another friend.
It follows that it is always more difficult if I don't know the guy and especially if I don't like him. I imagine this is the same for my lovers. Intimacy is about opening up. When we are intimate with more than one person at a time we open up to every body's energies and tensions. Ideally this occurs within the safe container of a loving relationship. My experience is that bringing in a person who is not "connected" or in harmony with the others can seriously compromise the safety of the container for everyone.
For example, I once had a lover who brought in someone that I didn't know (and I hadn't heard good things about). The idea of her being with him brought up a bunch of my own insecurities, which was good, because I got to grow through them. But, her being with him somehow compromised the safety of the relationship. I'm sure it was no coincidence that month or so later, that relationship ceased to be an intimate one (i.e. we broke up).
I should mention that the same has happened the other way around, when I have taken on a lover who was not in harmony with my current lover(s) and we felt the negative effect.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Graduation Tears
Last week, one of my lovers and I decided it would be best that we not continue to be intimate partners.
What is interesting is how this break up is different than my monogamous breakups. My experience has been that monogamous breakups happen after both parties slowly decline into emotional, and often psychological low points. This breakup on the other hand, comes at a time when both of us are in excellent, mental, spiritual and emotional health. We broke up because, we just didn't seem to be seeing eye to eye. We were both dancing well but to different rhythms.
When a friend asked about the break up, the first thought that came to mind is that it was more like graduation than dropping out. We loved each other and learned from each other, then it was time for us to move on. Most present with me was the beauty and mutual benefit that characterized the situation.
The next day, I rode my bike to work with the headphones on, listening to a genius mix. "We will Become Silhouettes" by The Postal Service came on and as he sang the beauty of death from nuclear radiation, my breath shortened, my stomach locked up and I began to cry.
I cannot deny the comfort I found in the relationship. I cannot deny the attachment, the way the relationship made me feel about myself. I cannot deny the feeling of loss. But I also cannot deny the beauty at how much both of us have grown, how much I still love her and always will. I am blessed to have share the space with her. I am blessed to be given the opportunity to move forward in such grace.
What is interesting is how this break up is different than my monogamous breakups. My experience has been that monogamous breakups happen after both parties slowly decline into emotional, and often psychological low points. This breakup on the other hand, comes at a time when both of us are in excellent, mental, spiritual and emotional health. We broke up because, we just didn't seem to be seeing eye to eye. We were both dancing well but to different rhythms.
When a friend asked about the break up, the first thought that came to mind is that it was more like graduation than dropping out. We loved each other and learned from each other, then it was time for us to move on. Most present with me was the beauty and mutual benefit that characterized the situation.
The next day, I rode my bike to work with the headphones on, listening to a genius mix. "We will Become Silhouettes" by The Postal Service came on and as he sang the beauty of death from nuclear radiation, my breath shortened, my stomach locked up and I began to cry.
I cannot deny the comfort I found in the relationship. I cannot deny the attachment, the way the relationship made me feel about myself. I cannot deny the feeling of loss. But I also cannot deny the beauty at how much both of us have grown, how much I still love her and always will. I am blessed to have share the space with her. I am blessed to be given the opportunity to move forward in such grace.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Emotional Affairs!
I am in love. Yes, it's that giddy beautiful feeling like the entire world is awesome because of incredible people in it. But, in this instance I will (most likely) not be having sex with any of my new lovers because..... they are my housemates. So, is this Polyamory?
What comes to mind is that no, it is not. It is just good, old fashioned "having a good life and sharing it with good people". People love thier job, they love their city, this is nothing new, right?
But If I look at my definition of Polyamory: "...the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved." it seems like this IS an example of Poly. Living with someone is certainly intimate! Indeed, in some ways it is more intimate than sleeping with some one! So have we all been polyamorus for a long time? How many of us have not lived in some form of group housing? Either we have all been Poly or this is not an example of Poly.
I shared my dilemma with Jeni last night and she confirmed that it was indeed Polyamory, because if I were in a monogamous relationship, falling in love with my housemates would be called an "Emotional Affair". This is when you are in a monogamous relationship and you don't sleep with another person but you allow yourself to fall in love with someone other than you lover. This is a major "no-no" in monogamous relationships.
A quick search in the memory banks (to when I was married) and I remember this being an issue. If you only accept that it is possible to love one person at a time, loving someone other than your partner is a breach of contract.
But this, of course, sounds utterly ridiculous to me (right now). Why would you ever limit the number of people you loved? Like the song says, "What the world needs now is love, sweet love..." Not wanting your partner to have sex with another is fairly easy to understand but not wanting your partner to love others, WTF?!? Are these monogamous relationships so fragile that they must limit such a natural and beautiful phenomenon?!?
What comes to mind is that no, it is not. It is just good, old fashioned "having a good life and sharing it with good people". People love thier job, they love their city, this is nothing new, right?
But If I look at my definition of Polyamory: "...the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved." it seems like this IS an example of Poly. Living with someone is certainly intimate! Indeed, in some ways it is more intimate than sleeping with some one! So have we all been polyamorus for a long time? How many of us have not lived in some form of group housing? Either we have all been Poly or this is not an example of Poly.
I shared my dilemma with Jeni last night and she confirmed that it was indeed Polyamory, because if I were in a monogamous relationship, falling in love with my housemates would be called an "Emotional Affair". This is when you are in a monogamous relationship and you don't sleep with another person but you allow yourself to fall in love with someone other than you lover. This is a major "no-no" in monogamous relationships.
A quick search in the memory banks (to when I was married) and I remember this being an issue. If you only accept that it is possible to love one person at a time, loving someone other than your partner is a breach of contract.
But this, of course, sounds utterly ridiculous to me (right now). Why would you ever limit the number of people you loved? Like the song says, "What the world needs now is love, sweet love..." Not wanting your partner to have sex with another is fairly easy to understand but not wanting your partner to love others, WTF?!? Are these monogamous relationships so fragile that they must limit such a natural and beautiful phenomenon?!?
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