Recently one of my girlfriends asked me who has priority. This was kind of a difficult question because I don't feel like my relationships are necesarily competing nor do they require prioritizing. Taking care of one should not hinder taking care of another.
A lot of people say "Bro's before Hoe's", indicating that you should put your friends before your lovers. Other peole always consider thier partner before thier friend group. Neither of these approaches fit for me. I need to honor every relationship for the place it takes in my life. I seek not balance but synergy (is it obvious I'm a business consultant?).
I believe in loving the people in my life. I believe in loving the moments in my life. Which is more important, keeping my house clean or doing a good job at work? It is easy to sacrifice one for another. If one is disfunctional it will have an effect on the other. But if I keep my house clean, I am have more energy and a clearer head when I arrive at work. When I do a good job at work I have the satisfied inspiration to take care of my home too. My lovers are not jobs nor chores. But like the example, it is possible for one to take from the other, or negatively effect the other, but when things are working well, honoring one helps me honor the other.
Synergy. Although I've never heard of that approach being used before in the context of polyamory, I do like it.
ReplyDeleteI find that all my relationships offer varying amounts of depth and intimacy. I tend to put "priority" on the relationships that offer me the most nurturing, depth, and intimacy. For me, that has less to do with scheduling/logistics and more to do with issues around fluid-bonding, integrating my love life with my family life, etc.
When I was married my husband used to refer to me as "the other half of his orange" (it's a Spanish saying meaning that each person is not whole until s/he finds her/his other half). It was wonderful at first...and then it became oppressive for both of us. Ideas such as these about love, romance, and marriage are pervasive in Western culture. Besides not being true (look at the divorce rates), they create some really unhealthy relationship dynamics when people attempt to live them out. Yikes!
Nowadays, I try to remember to keep the priority on my two most enduring relationships: the one I have with myself and the one I have with my children. Romantic relationships rarely have that kind of staying power. Furthermore, I prefer to live a life where most of my needs are fulfilled by myself, my career, my hobbies, and my community. It sounds like you do the same. That seems like a healthy place to be.