When discussing relationships with a friend of mine she stated that she was only comfortable sleeping with one person at a time but did not consider herself monogamous. This is because she admits and accepts that she is currently in love with multiple people. You could ask, is she poly? I say who cares what you call it. The important thing is that she is being real with what is naturally occurring for her.
Whether or not you call it poly, it is important to accept loving multiple people if that is what is really going on. The truth is that (almost) all of us will date and love multiple people throughout our lives. We may break up and not want to be intimate with someone we have dated, but we might never stop loving that person.*
We are brought up thinking that we will one day find "The ONE" with whom we can live happily ever after. It is easy to view every relationship as a search for this one true love. If this is the case you will look at a life full of failed relationships. Looking back on the failures you might ask,Why did it not work? What is wrong with you? What is wrong with them?
What I would offer is the possibility that we can have multiple loving relationships throughout our lives (simultaneous and/or consecutive). Each loving relationship can have it's place in your life. It can give you love, enjoyment and exactly what you need to grow at that time. It does not need to be forever, and it does not need to be a failure.
I invite you to try on this perspective. Every relationship brought you exactly what you needed at that time. The relationship have you some benefit, love, affection, adventure, pleasure. And it showed you where you can grow: difficulties, heartbreak, sorrow. How do your relationships look now? How have you grown from every relationship?
*My experience is that if I have truly loved someone, I cannot stop loving them.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Going Vegan and Fasting
The idea came to me yesterday that being poly is kind of like being vegan or fasting.
It is common knowledge that humans have been eating meat since the beginning of our species. Any nutritionist can tell you that meat provides protein, B12 vitamins, very important nutrients for your body to survive. Why would you deprive your body of what it needs most? I will set aside the political and social needs to speak only to the health effects of veganism. My experience is that when I eat vegetarian and vegan my body is forced to become more efficient. Similarly, my lifestyle is forced to become more efficient. I am an athlete, so if I do not eat a proper meal I will notice it in my workouts and much more severely as a vegetarian than when I am eating meat. I find I become more sensitive to sweets & caffeine. Because of the increased sensitivity, I am forced to become more conscious about my lifestyle.
It is also possible to be vegan in an unhealthy way. You can simply neglect your health, cutting out needed proteins and vitamins and end up grumpy all the time (You know if you have you met one of these vegans). The contrast is even more apparent with the act of not eating. If it is done in a self hating and neurotic way, this is called anorexia. But if it is done in a conscious and loving way, it is called fasting and it causes immense spiritual growth (and detoxifying health benefits).
Most people genuinely want one partner who loves them and cares for them. If this is the case, a polyamorous lifestyle is clearly depriving yourself of what you want. But, like going vegan or fasting, if it is done in a conscious and loving way, it causes growth.
It is common knowledge that humans have been eating meat since the beginning of our species. Any nutritionist can tell you that meat provides protein, B12 vitamins, very important nutrients for your body to survive. Why would you deprive your body of what it needs most? I will set aside the political and social needs to speak only to the health effects of veganism. My experience is that when I eat vegetarian and vegan my body is forced to become more efficient. Similarly, my lifestyle is forced to become more efficient. I am an athlete, so if I do not eat a proper meal I will notice it in my workouts and much more severely as a vegetarian than when I am eating meat. I find I become more sensitive to sweets & caffeine. Because of the increased sensitivity, I am forced to become more conscious about my lifestyle.
It is also possible to be vegan in an unhealthy way. You can simply neglect your health, cutting out needed proteins and vitamins and end up grumpy all the time (You know if you have you met one of these vegans). The contrast is even more apparent with the act of not eating. If it is done in a self hating and neurotic way, this is called anorexia. But if it is done in a conscious and loving way, it is called fasting and it causes immense spiritual growth (and detoxifying health benefits).
Most people genuinely want one partner who loves them and cares for them. If this is the case, a polyamorous lifestyle is clearly depriving yourself of what you want. But, like going vegan or fasting, if it is done in a conscious and loving way, it causes growth.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
What about the other guys?
On of the first things people ask me when I tell them about poly is "Do your girlfriends have other boyfriends? And how does that make you feel?"
The first one is easy: Yes, every poly lover of mine has had other lovers. How do I feel about it? That takes a few more words.
First off, this has changed a lot over the course of my time experimenting with poly relationships. At first, every mention of other lovers was really difficult for me. It brought up insecurity, self doubt etc. Lately it has become easier. My sense of self worth has probably become less dependant on my lovers.
It's always easier if I know and like the guy. Even early on, when it was a buddy of mine, I had almost no problem with openness. Nowadays it is heart warming and even hot to think of my lover spending time with another friend.
It follows that it is always more difficult if I don't know the guy and especially if I don't like him. I imagine this is the same for my lovers. Intimacy is about opening up. When we are intimate with more than one person at a time we open up to every body's energies and tensions. Ideally this occurs within the safe container of a loving relationship. My experience is that bringing in a person who is not "connected" or in harmony with the others can seriously compromise the safety of the container for everyone.
For example, I once had a lover who brought in someone that I didn't know (and I hadn't heard good things about). The idea of her being with him brought up a bunch of my own insecurities, which was good, because I got to grow through them. But, her being with him somehow compromised the safety of the relationship. I'm sure it was no coincidence that month or so later, that relationship ceased to be an intimate one (i.e. we broke up).
I should mention that the same has happened the other way around, when I have taken on a lover who was not in harmony with my current lover(s) and we felt the negative effect.
The first one is easy: Yes, every poly lover of mine has had other lovers. How do I feel about it? That takes a few more words.
First off, this has changed a lot over the course of my time experimenting with poly relationships. At first, every mention of other lovers was really difficult for me. It brought up insecurity, self doubt etc. Lately it has become easier. My sense of self worth has probably become less dependant on my lovers.
It's always easier if I know and like the guy. Even early on, when it was a buddy of mine, I had almost no problem with openness. Nowadays it is heart warming and even hot to think of my lover spending time with another friend.
It follows that it is always more difficult if I don't know the guy and especially if I don't like him. I imagine this is the same for my lovers. Intimacy is about opening up. When we are intimate with more than one person at a time we open up to every body's energies and tensions. Ideally this occurs within the safe container of a loving relationship. My experience is that bringing in a person who is not "connected" or in harmony with the others can seriously compromise the safety of the container for everyone.
For example, I once had a lover who brought in someone that I didn't know (and I hadn't heard good things about). The idea of her being with him brought up a bunch of my own insecurities, which was good, because I got to grow through them. But, her being with him somehow compromised the safety of the relationship. I'm sure it was no coincidence that month or so later, that relationship ceased to be an intimate one (i.e. we broke up).
I should mention that the same has happened the other way around, when I have taken on a lover who was not in harmony with my current lover(s) and we felt the negative effect.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Graduation Tears
Last week, one of my lovers and I decided it would be best that we not continue to be intimate partners.
What is interesting is how this break up is different than my monogamous breakups. My experience has been that monogamous breakups happen after both parties slowly decline into emotional, and often psychological low points. This breakup on the other hand, comes at a time when both of us are in excellent, mental, spiritual and emotional health. We broke up because, we just didn't seem to be seeing eye to eye. We were both dancing well but to different rhythms.
When a friend asked about the break up, the first thought that came to mind is that it was more like graduation than dropping out. We loved each other and learned from each other, then it was time for us to move on. Most present with me was the beauty and mutual benefit that characterized the situation.
The next day, I rode my bike to work with the headphones on, listening to a genius mix. "We will Become Silhouettes" by The Postal Service came on and as he sang the beauty of death from nuclear radiation, my breath shortened, my stomach locked up and I began to cry.
I cannot deny the comfort I found in the relationship. I cannot deny the attachment, the way the relationship made me feel about myself. I cannot deny the feeling of loss. But I also cannot deny the beauty at how much both of us have grown, how much I still love her and always will. I am blessed to have share the space with her. I am blessed to be given the opportunity to move forward in such grace.
What is interesting is how this break up is different than my monogamous breakups. My experience has been that monogamous breakups happen after both parties slowly decline into emotional, and often psychological low points. This breakup on the other hand, comes at a time when both of us are in excellent, mental, spiritual and emotional health. We broke up because, we just didn't seem to be seeing eye to eye. We were both dancing well but to different rhythms.
When a friend asked about the break up, the first thought that came to mind is that it was more like graduation than dropping out. We loved each other and learned from each other, then it was time for us to move on. Most present with me was the beauty and mutual benefit that characterized the situation.
The next day, I rode my bike to work with the headphones on, listening to a genius mix. "We will Become Silhouettes" by The Postal Service came on and as he sang the beauty of death from nuclear radiation, my breath shortened, my stomach locked up and I began to cry.
I cannot deny the comfort I found in the relationship. I cannot deny the attachment, the way the relationship made me feel about myself. I cannot deny the feeling of loss. But I also cannot deny the beauty at how much both of us have grown, how much I still love her and always will. I am blessed to have share the space with her. I am blessed to be given the opportunity to move forward in such grace.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Emotional Affairs!
I am in love. Yes, it's that giddy beautiful feeling like the entire world is awesome because of incredible people in it. But, in this instance I will (most likely) not be having sex with any of my new lovers because..... they are my housemates. So, is this Polyamory?
What comes to mind is that no, it is not. It is just good, old fashioned "having a good life and sharing it with good people". People love thier job, they love their city, this is nothing new, right?
But If I look at my definition of Polyamory: "...the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved." it seems like this IS an example of Poly. Living with someone is certainly intimate! Indeed, in some ways it is more intimate than sleeping with some one! So have we all been polyamorus for a long time? How many of us have not lived in some form of group housing? Either we have all been Poly or this is not an example of Poly.
I shared my dilemma with Jeni last night and she confirmed that it was indeed Polyamory, because if I were in a monogamous relationship, falling in love with my housemates would be called an "Emotional Affair". This is when you are in a monogamous relationship and you don't sleep with another person but you allow yourself to fall in love with someone other than you lover. This is a major "no-no" in monogamous relationships.
A quick search in the memory banks (to when I was married) and I remember this being an issue. If you only accept that it is possible to love one person at a time, loving someone other than your partner is a breach of contract.
But this, of course, sounds utterly ridiculous to me (right now). Why would you ever limit the number of people you loved? Like the song says, "What the world needs now is love, sweet love..." Not wanting your partner to have sex with another is fairly easy to understand but not wanting your partner to love others, WTF?!? Are these monogamous relationships so fragile that they must limit such a natural and beautiful phenomenon?!?
What comes to mind is that no, it is not. It is just good, old fashioned "having a good life and sharing it with good people". People love thier job, they love their city, this is nothing new, right?
But If I look at my definition of Polyamory: "...the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved." it seems like this IS an example of Poly. Living with someone is certainly intimate! Indeed, in some ways it is more intimate than sleeping with some one! So have we all been polyamorus for a long time? How many of us have not lived in some form of group housing? Either we have all been Poly or this is not an example of Poly.
I shared my dilemma with Jeni last night and she confirmed that it was indeed Polyamory, because if I were in a monogamous relationship, falling in love with my housemates would be called an "Emotional Affair". This is when you are in a monogamous relationship and you don't sleep with another person but you allow yourself to fall in love with someone other than you lover. This is a major "no-no" in monogamous relationships.
A quick search in the memory banks (to when I was married) and I remember this being an issue. If you only accept that it is possible to love one person at a time, loving someone other than your partner is a breach of contract.
But this, of course, sounds utterly ridiculous to me (right now). Why would you ever limit the number of people you loved? Like the song says, "What the world needs now is love, sweet love..." Not wanting your partner to have sex with another is fairly easy to understand but not wanting your partner to love others, WTF?!? Are these monogamous relationships so fragile that they must limit such a natural and beautiful phenomenon?!?
Monday, August 30, 2010
Two Girlfriends, One Bed
My housemate asked me last night weather it bothers one girlfriend to be in the same bed that another girlfriend was in the night before. Her interest was both on the energetic level and the bodily fluids level.
This caused a few things to come up in my response. First off, yes, I change the sheets more often now that I am polyamorous (another cause of personal growth). And, to answer this fully, I would have to ask my girlfriends. Jeni, Ella, Rachel, any comments here?
I was, however, able to speak to some of the energetic dynamics. First off, there is the issue of possession. Often when we share intimate space with another we want to hold onto that person or situation in an ownership type of way. This makes perfect sense as intimacy equals vulnerability (to some extent) so it is quite rational to want to keep track and/or "own" the situation where you are vulnerable. On top of that, we have been socially programmed to accept some amount of ownership over our lover as part of our culture. This does not work in Polyamorous relationships.
In poly relationships, the most conducive to health and happiness is to cultivate appreciation and enjoyment for another with the least amount of perceived possession over that person.
There is also the element of energetic exchange which is integral to emotional intimacy. When I let down all my barriers to someone, I am open to picking up their joys and their tensions. I believe in what I call Emotionally Transmitted Disease (ETD's). If one of my lovers is depressed, or going through a tough time, I am going to be affected by it, and so then will be my other lovers. There are no condoms for ETD's!
What actually happens (in my experience) is something quite healthy. Let's say Jeni is stressed about something. Her and I share intimate space and I pick up some of that stress. I leave, carrying it with me, but I have less of it than Jeni has. Then I go see Ella, and it is a totally different dynamic. If there are any stresses, they are not the same as what Jeni was holding. It is now two against one half; all my stress processing and Ella's stress processing against part of a stress that was generated somewhere else. Jeni's tension that I hold is completely unable to survive in the loving space that Ella and I share because it's root cause is nowhere to be seen. My time with Ella is thus very healing for me. The vulnerable place in me where I picked up some of Jeni's stress is now healed. I now contain a sort of "vaccine" for that emotional malady. The next time I see Jeni, weather or not she still carries some of that tension, I am more grounded and relaxed in that area. She can be completely vulnerable with me and I have the groundedness to hold the space for her healing.
So, again, I cannot speak for my girlfriends. But I know what is possible, and my experience is that when my lovers spend time with their other lovers, most of the time they come back carrying a grounded feeling of newness. And if they carry some stress, it is usually stuff that is easier for us to process.
This caused a few things to come up in my response. First off, yes, I change the sheets more often now that I am polyamorous (another cause of personal growth). And, to answer this fully, I would have to ask my girlfriends. Jeni, Ella, Rachel, any comments here?
I was, however, able to speak to some of the energetic dynamics. First off, there is the issue of possession. Often when we share intimate space with another we want to hold onto that person or situation in an ownership type of way. This makes perfect sense as intimacy equals vulnerability (to some extent) so it is quite rational to want to keep track and/or "own" the situation where you are vulnerable. On top of that, we have been socially programmed to accept some amount of ownership over our lover as part of our culture. This does not work in Polyamorous relationships.
In poly relationships, the most conducive to health and happiness is to cultivate appreciation and enjoyment for another with the least amount of perceived possession over that person.
There is also the element of energetic exchange which is integral to emotional intimacy. When I let down all my barriers to someone, I am open to picking up their joys and their tensions. I believe in what I call Emotionally Transmitted Disease (ETD's). If one of my lovers is depressed, or going through a tough time, I am going to be affected by it, and so then will be my other lovers. There are no condoms for ETD's!
What actually happens (in my experience) is something quite healthy. Let's say Jeni is stressed about something. Her and I share intimate space and I pick up some of that stress. I leave, carrying it with me, but I have less of it than Jeni has. Then I go see Ella, and it is a totally different dynamic. If there are any stresses, they are not the same as what Jeni was holding. It is now two against one half; all my stress processing and Ella's stress processing against part of a stress that was generated somewhere else. Jeni's tension that I hold is completely unable to survive in the loving space that Ella and I share because it's root cause is nowhere to be seen. My time with Ella is thus very healing for me. The vulnerable place in me where I picked up some of Jeni's stress is now healed. I now contain a sort of "vaccine" for that emotional malady. The next time I see Jeni, weather or not she still carries some of that tension, I am more grounded and relaxed in that area. She can be completely vulnerable with me and I have the groundedness to hold the space for her healing.
So, again, I cannot speak for my girlfriends. But I know what is possible, and my experience is that when my lovers spend time with their other lovers, most of the time they come back carrying a grounded feeling of newness. And if they carry some stress, it is usually stuff that is easier for us to process.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Who Has Priority
Recently one of my girlfriends asked me who has priority. This was kind of a difficult question because I don't feel like my relationships are necesarily competing nor do they require prioritizing. Taking care of one should not hinder taking care of another.
A lot of people say "Bro's before Hoe's", indicating that you should put your friends before your lovers. Other peole always consider thier partner before thier friend group. Neither of these approaches fit for me. I need to honor every relationship for the place it takes in my life. I seek not balance but synergy (is it obvious I'm a business consultant?).
I believe in loving the people in my life. I believe in loving the moments in my life. Which is more important, keeping my house clean or doing a good job at work? It is easy to sacrifice one for another. If one is disfunctional it will have an effect on the other. But if I keep my house clean, I am have more energy and a clearer head when I arrive at work. When I do a good job at work I have the satisfied inspiration to take care of my home too. My lovers are not jobs nor chores. But like the example, it is possible for one to take from the other, or negatively effect the other, but when things are working well, honoring one helps me honor the other.
A lot of people say "Bro's before Hoe's", indicating that you should put your friends before your lovers. Other peole always consider thier partner before thier friend group. Neither of these approaches fit for me. I need to honor every relationship for the place it takes in my life. I seek not balance but synergy (is it obvious I'm a business consultant?).
I believe in loving the people in my life. I believe in loving the moments in my life. Which is more important, keeping my house clean or doing a good job at work? It is easy to sacrifice one for another. If one is disfunctional it will have an effect on the other. But if I keep my house clean, I am have more energy and a clearer head when I arrive at work. When I do a good job at work I have the satisfied inspiration to take care of my home too. My lovers are not jobs nor chores. But like the example, it is possible for one to take from the other, or negatively effect the other, but when things are working well, honoring one helps me honor the other.
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