What about the other guys?

On of the first things people ask me when I tell them about poly is "Do your girlfriends have other boyfriends?  And how does that make you feel?" 

The first one is easy: Yes, every poly lover of mine has had other lovers. How do I feel about it?  That takes a few more words. 

First off, this has changed a lot over the course of my time experimenting with poly relationships.  At first, every mention of other lovers was really difficult for me.  It brought up insecurity, self doubt etc.  Lately it has become easier.  My sense of self worth has probably become less dependant on my lovers. 

It's always easier if I know and like the guy.  Even early on, when it was a buddy of mine, I had almost no problem with openness.  Nowadays it is heart warming and even hot to think of my lover spending time with another friend. 

It follows that it is always more difficult if I don't know the guy and especially if I don't like him.  I imagine this is the same for my lovers.  Intimacy is about opening up.  When we are intimate with more than one person at a time we open up to every body's energies and tensions.  Ideally this occurs within the safe container of a loving relationship.  My experience is that bringing in a person who is not "connected" or in harmony with the others can seriously compromise the safety of the container for everyone. 

For example, I once had a lover who brought in someone that I didn't know (and I hadn't heard good things about). The idea of her being with him brought up a bunch of my own insecurities, which was good, because I got to grow through them.  But, her being with him somehow compromised the safety of the relationship.  I'm sure it was no coincidence that month or so later, that relationship ceased to be an intimate one (i.e. we broke up). 

I should mention that the same has happened the other way around, when I have taken on a lover who was not in harmony with my current lover(s) and we felt the negative effect.